Self medicating through alcohol abuse

I was 28 years in recovery before a close friend and I discussed our drinking in any detail. After about an hour, coffee in hand, she simply turned and exclaimed "Oh you drank to self medicate."
For a few seconds, which seemed like several minutes, I digested the statement and responded "Oh yes!" I don't think I ever contemplated the why's of my drinking. I am not sure they mattered at the time or after. It was enough that I knew then and now that I am an alcoholic.

Why certainly wasn't going to change the fact that I had a disease which could kill me. In fact my energy was best served in staying away from a drink, creating a healthy positive attitude and building a life away from that which was. I heard others say they could "no longer drink successfully" my logic told me that probably isn't a healthy goal. The fact that when drinking I had no off switch was enough to keep in the front of my mind.

But that statement! Those words! Self medicated kept creeping into my mind. Why was this so important now. Why since I have a formal diagnosis was it necessary to think about that. Was I attempting to minimize my alcoholism and put the emphasis on my ASD diagnosis? It took some time to process. I was afraid. Before I began my sober journey I attempted therapy in the hope that I was just crazy. The idea of being mentally ill was much more palatable than an alcoholic. Not because I looked down on the alcoholic label, as many do, but because if you are crazy you can still drink.

After a time it was alright that I had self medicated. I was able to see how my fear manifested itself.  I began to look back at how I reacted in certain situations and then tried to remember how it felt. I was labeled "extremely shy" in school from age 5 on. Shy, not filled with anxiety, just cute and shy. I was afraid to talk. I remember if I wanted to answer the teacher's question I would look around the room and see who had their hand raised before I would raise mine. I didn't want to be the only one. No surprise that at my grandparents 40th wedding anniversary, at age 10, I would find the one thing that would help me feel relaxed for the first time in my life.